Jim’s Diary – 12th February (Back in Paris)

Natasha and I have taken a quick break in Paris. I’ve been working so hard. Firstly the trip
to Weymouth is 2 1/2 hours from home, the hotel I booked turned out to be a bed and
breakfast hotel which I do not like, so after a show lasting 2 hours Natasha and I drove back
home for another 2 1/2 hour trip.

The next day saw me drive two hours to Worcester, a 2 hour show and then drive back.
And repeating that the next day. People have said to me why didn’t you get a hotel in
Worcester, Well, there isn’t any…Well, not one I’d want to spend all day in on Saturday
waiting to do the gig. The swan theatre in Worcester is fantastic, I love the staff and I love the audience.

So here we are in Paris, although we never nearly got here.
The flight from Heathrow Terminal 5 was at 11:20 Natasha and I parked the car in the
business car park and got a little pod which took us to the terminal.
We went in the lounge and had some powdered scrambled egg and bacon that you could
have made a pair of moccasins out of and we preceded to gate 21. Natasha had asked the
woman in the lounge what time we should leave to get our flight, and she was told 10
minutes and it’s at gate 21. We set off, I am sure Scott of the Antarctic didn’t walk as far
as we had to. When we eventually got there gate 21 was going to Madrid….

A look of panic came in Natasha’s face as she said to me, oh it is gate 10, Realising her
mistake she then ran like an Olympic sprinter to gate 10. I followed behind like a snail. But
alas the gate was shut and the buses that take people to the aeroplane had gone and we were
fucked. To be fair on Natasha she was told the wrong information by the woman in the
business class lounge.

There was another flight at 13:00 But our bags were on the 11:20. I didn’t think it was
legal for an aeroplane to depart with someones bags on board that doesn’t have the
someone to go with it, obviously if one is a terrorist that is what one would do.
However we were assured that our bags will be in Paris when we arrive and we were
booked on the 13:00 flight all be it economy…… it was quite comfortable but I could have
done without the nuts.

We landed and got ourselves together, we stay at a beautiful boutique hotel called the
Westminster. After a swig or two in the bar we set off to board our boat on the river
seine. It was the most expensive of boats, first of all the taxi driver could not find it and I
thought we would have a double whammy missing the plane and missing the boat but
unfortunately we found it… I say unfortunately because the food and the service was shite.
A waitress did not know how to make a vodka martini.
Oh well let’s just get pissed and put up with it.

The next day, yesterday as I typed this, we spent hours on a little golf buggy for a tour of Paris.
Our guide must have found every cobbled road and pothole possible.
After seeing yet another beautiful piece of architecture Natasha took us to the most
wonderful little French cafe where we had French onion soup. As we were leaving the
manager of the cafe forced us to eat a caramel cheesecake which was the most delicious
desert both of us have ever tasted.

We bought a couple of souvenirs to take back for the office and in the evening we set off
once again for Crazy Horse, an evening of rose wine, tits and bum.
This show is magnificent and I urge everybody to see it.
I’m still in bed as I’m typing this I’ve got a bit of a sore ankle I’m not surprised I think it was
gate 21 that did it.

One more day to go and then back to play the cliffs pavilion in Southend. It is Valentine’s
Day and I’ve decided to cancel my attempt at asking Natasha to marry me… As being told
to go fuck myself is a bit much for the old chap!